See Matt, I do like Friends just not when you recite every word to it. Let’s start at the beginning (but not too far back)...I retired at 30 and never looked back...
Three years ago I decided that I never wanted to work again. I was pulling crazy hours. My body was breaking down physically. My mental state as well. I remember thinking “there has to be more to life than this.” So I wanted to search. I put in my notice at my brand new corporate job that I waited years to land because I believed that was the way to go. We had two young kids, a marriage in recovery, and debt up the ass. Imagine my husband’s face when I told him I needed to quit. He stood there with fear and said “ok I trust you.” We cut down to one car for over 9 months, moved out of our home state and started our new life over a year later. We gambled. We left everything behind. We walked away from things and people that no longer served us. We put our family first.
Little did I know what life would bring.
When covid hit, we felt a sense of relief. We were so busy in those 2 years that we didn’t get to enjoy all the change we created. Little did we know, more was coming. The past year tested us like never before. Matt and I started to lose our identity as we had little help with the kids, no time for ourselves and trying to sustain our marriage. Thankfully God brought us amazing neighbors and friends that gave us some kid free breaks with play dates, our parents for a couple of nights free, and an understanding that no matter what life threw at us, God had our back.
When I went to Egypt in February, another whirlwind came. I met some incredible people who have shifted my entire life’s view. I met my Twin Flame, Mahmoud aka Mido, who has unknowingly (he’ll say he does) put me through some of the darkest and deepest shadow work I’ve ever experienced in my life. How is this possible? I’ve done so much inner work over 3 years, how could there still be more?
Here is someone that I never knew who just gets me.
He sees me.
The real me.
And I, him.
This is the role of a Twin Flame: to uncover the parts of yourself that you hide from the world. It’s not as romantic as I’ve read...it’s not even explainable at this point...I think I’ll save it for when we write our book...yeah Mido you’ll have to write AND READ IT.
We both like the same things, live similar lives, have similar experiences. We love our families more than ourselves. We both give freely without expecting anything in return. We have the same thoughts, dreams and desires. Twin flames serve each other with an unconditional love that has zero judgment. We can feel each other’s feelings and want nothing but the best for each other...little ode to our favorite, Adele.
I knew love.
I’ve been in love.
I felt love.
But, I never knew this kind of love.
Not just love but, a deep Soul centered, unconditional love.
This is more than a romantic love.
This is a never ending love.
This is lifetimes of love.
Two bodies, one soul.
If we don’t love each other, we don’t love ourselves. Ask him about the time I almost killed him by trying to cut the chord...oops. It hits so different when you experience it for real.
The first time I experienced a similar love was from my Godmother, Gorette. Her birthday was the other day (3/27) and I didn’t even acknowledge it because I was too deep in my own shit. Here was someone that knew she didn’t have a long life to live. She didn’t even make it to 40s. But, she made life count. Every minute. Since I was born, all I received was happiness and unconditional love from her. She was my best friend. When she died, a part of my world collapsed. It was the same time as my parent’s divorce. As an 8 year old, grief hit me so hard but I became so numb to it.
I had to.
I needed to survive.
So I put on a brave and happiness face.
I built up a wall so high that NO ONE, not even God could tear it down.
Little did I know, He would be patient. He would slowly break this wall down piece by piece. He would insert people and events into my life that would bring me closer to Him.
What a deception.The more I thought I was running away, the closer He was pulling me in.
The grief cycle is one that doesn’t make sense and feels like it is never ending. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...I had it all. Just not in that order. It’s as if I went backwards with it every time someone I loved died or something I wanted didn’t come to me, I entered it all over again.
The one thing I hadn’t been able to let go of is the anger.
This RAGE inside of me that BURNS to my core. How can I be so angry?
I have a beautiful life. I have gorgeous, thoughtful and loving children. I have a husband who is willing to stick around during some of the CRAZIEST things to ever happen to someone, like meeting your twin flame. He oddly loves Mido without even meeting him yet...I think it’s because I’m getting a taste of my own medicine.
For so long I searched for love to put out this fire. I knew that with love, comes happiness. You can’t beat love and happiness. Nothing can. So I searched and searched through my husband, my kids, my dog, my family, my friends, my twin flame etc. I kept looking for this unconditional love that would free me.
Yesterday, that anger got the best of me. I finally exploded. I took it out on the people who mean the most to me. I could feel the rage. I knew this was big, as the first thing I wanted to do was go hit the heavy bag. I wanted to physically release this pain. But, I knew doing that would only physically hurt me more. So, I didn’t.
I sat in my office and prayed. It wasn’t long. I just said “God, I don’t ever want to feel this anger again. I want to change. I want to be a better person without this anger. Please help me.”
It fucking worked...it took God 26 years (more like close to 34) to bring me back home. I prayed to Him instead of blaming Him. I prayed for help instead of stuffing it down. I prayed for real this time. Not the “I’ll have a conversation with God and negotiate my outcome” type of praying.
I finally surrender to God.
So on this Easter Monday, I start my new life, for real this time. No more grief, anger or sadness.
I choose how I want to feel.
I choose to only experience love and happiness.
I choose to put myself first; mentally, emotionally and physically.
I choose to give nothing but love and receive nothing but love.
I choose to have it all.
I choose to no longer play small.
I choose to live according to my Soul Plan.
I CHOOSE GOD.
If you made it this far, thank you...especially you Mido who I know hates reading as much as I do...but since it’s about you, I know you’ll read it all because we love to read/hear about ourselves. Thank you, my friends for following and being a part of this crazy journey of life. I promised I would share it all: the good, bad and ugly. Be on the lookout for our Twin Flame book eventually. It will be full of life, love, laughter and really bad/dirty jokes.