See Matt, I do like Friends just not when you recite every word to it. Let’s start at the beginning (but not too far back)...I retired at 30 and never looked back...
Three years ago I decided that I never wanted to work again. I was pulling crazy hours. My body was breaking down physically. My mental state as well. I remember thinking “there has to be more to life than this.” So I wanted to search. I put in my notice at my brand new corporate job that I waited years to land because I believed that was the way to go. We had two young kids, a marriage in recovery, and debt up the ass. Imagine my husband’s face when I told him I needed to quit. He stood there with fear and said “ok I trust you.” We cut down to one car for over 9 months, moved out of our home state and started our new life over a year later. We gambled. We left everything behind. We walked away from things and people that no longer served us. We put our family first.
Little did I know what life would bring.
When covid hit, we felt a sense of relief. We were so busy in those 2 years that we didn’t get to enjoy all the change we created. Little did we know, more was coming. The past year tested us like never before. Matt and I started to lose our identity as we had little help with the kids, no time for ourselves and trying to sustain our marriage. Thankfully God brought us amazing neighbors and friends that gave us some kid free breaks with play dates, our parents for a couple of nights free, and an understanding that no matter what life threw at us, God had our back.
When I went to Egypt in February, another whirlwind came. I met some incredible people who have shifted my entire life’s view. I met my Twin Flame, Mahmoud aka Mido, who has unknowingly (he’ll say he does) put me through some of the darkest and deepest shadow work I’ve ever experienced in my life. How is this possible? I’ve done so much inner work over 3 years, how could there still be more?
Here is someone that I never knew who just gets me.
He sees me.
The real me.
And I, him.
This is the role of a Twin Flame: to uncover the parts of yourself that you hide from the world. It’s not as romantic as I’ve read...it’s not even explainable at this point...I think I’ll save it for when we write our book...yeah Mido you’ll have to write AND READ IT.
We both like the same things, live similar lives, have similar experiences. We love our families more than ourselves. We both give freely without expecting anything in return. We have the same thoughts, dreams and desires. Twin flames serve each other with an unconditional love that has zero judgment. We can feel each other’s feelings and want nothing but the best for each other...little ode to our favorite, Adele.
I knew love.
I’ve been in love.
I felt love.
But, I never knew this kind of love.
Not just love but, a deep Soul centered, unconditional love.
This is more than a romantic love.
This is a never ending love.
This is lifetimes of love.
Two bodies, one soul.
If we don’t love each other, we don’t love ourselves. Ask him about the time I almost killed him by trying to cut the chord...oops. It hits so different when you experience it for real.
The first time I experienced a similar love was from my Godmother, Gorette. Her birthday was the other day (3/27) and I didn’t even acknowledge it because I was too deep in my own shit. Here was someone that knew she didn’t have a long life to live. She didn’t even make it to 40s. But, she made life count. Every minute. Since I was born, all I received was happiness and unconditional love from her. She was my best friend. When she died, a part of my world collapsed. It was the same time as my parent’s divorce. As an 8 year old, grief hit me so hard but I became so numb to it.
I had to.
I needed to survive.
So I put on a brave and happiness face.
I built up a wall so high that NO ONE, not even God could tear it down.
Little did I know, He would be patient. He would slowly break this wall down piece by piece. He would insert people and events into my life that would bring me closer to Him.
What a deception.The more I thought I was running away, the closer He was pulling me in.
The grief cycle is one that doesn’t make sense and feels like it is never ending. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance...I had it all. Just not in that order. It’s as if I went backwards with it every time someone I loved died or something I wanted didn’t come to me, I entered it all over again.
The one thing I hadn’t been able to let go of is the anger.
This RAGE inside of me that BURNS to my core. How can I be so angry?
I have a beautiful life. I have gorgeous, thoughtful and loving children. I have a husband who is willing to stick around during some of the CRAZIEST things to ever happen to someone, like meeting your twin flame. He oddly loves Mido without even meeting him yet...I think it’s because I’m getting a taste of my own medicine.
For so long I searched for love to put out this fire. I knew that with love, comes happiness. You can’t beat love and happiness. Nothing can. So I searched and searched through my husband, my kids, my dog, my family, my friends, my twin flame etc. I kept looking for this unconditional love that would free me.
Yesterday, that anger got the best of me. I finally exploded. I took it out on the people who mean the most to me. I could feel the rage. I knew this was big, as the first thing I wanted to do was go hit the heavy bag. I wanted to physically release this pain. But, I knew doing that would only physically hurt me more. So, I didn’t.
I sat in my office and prayed. It wasn’t long. I just said “God, I don’t ever want to feel this anger again. I want to change. I want to be a better person without this anger. Please help me.”
It fucking worked...it took God 26 years (more like close to 34) to bring me back home. I prayed to Him instead of blaming Him. I prayed for help instead of stuffing it down. I prayed for real this time. Not the “I’ll have a conversation with God and negotiate my outcome” type of praying.
I finally surrender to God.
So on this Easter Monday, I start my new life, for real this time. No more grief, anger or sadness.
I choose how I want to feel.
I choose to only experience love and happiness.
I choose to put myself first; mentally, emotionally and physically.
I choose to give nothing but love and receive nothing but love.
I choose to have it all.
I choose to no longer play small.
I choose to live according to my Soul Plan.
I CHOOSE GOD.
If you made it this far, thank you...especially you Mido who I know hates reading as much as I do...but since it’s about you, I know you’ll read it all because we love to read/hear about ourselves. Thank you, my friends for following and being a part of this crazy journey of life. I promised I would share it all: the good, bad and ugly. Be on the lookout for our Twin Flame book eventually. It will be full of life, love, laughter and really bad/dirty jokes.
In a world full of opportunities, we have set the most unbearable limitations on ourselves, society and the world. We end up missing out on life, liberty and love. When we lump people into categories, we end up missing out on the good. We end up missing out on the possibilities of experiencing miracles.
As a society, we’ve gotten so use to ostracizing anything and anyone that doesn’t fit a specific perception of “normal.” But, what the fuck is normal? Since when did superiority land at the feet of white males? No, this is not going to be the blame game. No, this is not going to be something you’d want to continue reading if you are a white male but, I urge you to suck it up and keep on. Because like I said, we are limiting ourselves with labels.
When we categorize & label, we start to miss the uniqueness and speciality of all of God’s beautiful work. What would life look like if we took our blinders off? What if we stopped labeling everything and everyone?
For years we have let the oppression of women be normal. For years we have let the oppression of BIPOC be normal. For years we have let the oppression of LGBTQ+ be normal. Again, please excuse my labeling.
We could start with the oppression of women. The Bible has it, history holds true. But, we tend to forget or ignore the significant power of females in the Bible. I could start with one — Virgin Mary. Jesus would not be able to be here if She was not here. The Virgin Mary sacrificed Her womb, life and image to become the Mother of Jesus. So why are there no female priests, Popes, Cardinals, or Bishops in the Catholic Church? (Research shows one who is not recognized)
If everyone was created in the image and likeness of God, can woman too channel the Holy Spirit? Did the Virgin Mary not hear God tell Her that She would birth the Son of God? That is called channeling. Why are men the only ones that can preach the Word of God?
This leads me into the next category. A male that gets their calling from God has a superior status they can reach. They get to stand in front of millions of people to spread the Word of God but yet, a woman who does it, is seen as a witch. A woman who had the same gifts as a man got burnt at the stake because she too possessed the same (if not stronger) gifts of men for years.
Is it because man inherits their powers while in the womb of a female? Is it a natural instinct on their part to want to over power? As a medium, it was hard for me to accept my gifts. The same gifts that my Priest and even Pope hold. Yet they are seen as ones that are Holy and full of God. Meanwhile, I have been ridiculed and told what I’m doing is Evil by my own family members. I get it, how can little, boring me possess the same gifts of men who preach to the masses?
Should I too be burnt at the stake? Why do I not get a fancy house in Italy? Why do I not get a say in how people should “fear” God? This isn’t just in the Roman Catholic Church. This is true for almost all religions. Some are quicker to an awakening of inclusion than others. But, I’m not here to just talk about religion or women.
Shall we go on to BIPOC? I’m not even sure where to start. Slavery, rape, murder, injustice, disservice, and invasion are just a few words that come to mind. It’s almost 2021, we are still fighting the fight of inequality. STILL. BIPOC are being murdered in our streets, jail cells, and their own homes.
Here we find a shift in superiority. It’s taken away from white males and now placed in the hands of Police Officers. Again, not the blame game but this sense of entitlement and superiority of one’s life being more valuable than the next. We could argue until we are blue in the face that not all are bad, whichever label we’d like to support.
Shall we go on to LGBTQ+ inequalities? Because someone doesn’t fit the “standards” of what gender or love looks like, we (again) say it’s the Devil’s work. But, no they too, are God’s creation.
Children, another category that has been oppressed by superiority. When grown people think because they are bigger, stronger, and smarter than a child, they inflict wounds and repeat cycles. Adults have continuously for years rape, murder and abuse our children in homes, schools, camps, and wherever else they should be feeling safe. It’s amazing how many of those that harm still walk free.
What if I told you that the Devil is actually inside of YOU? It’s the deep darkness that you hold within you that goes against God and His Light. It’s the trauma you ignore to process. It’s all the pain and hurt you carry. All the injustice you have faced as a child.
If we had a world full of people that were willing to take a deep dive into themselves to correct the wrong doings of others and taking ownership for their own decisions, the world will be a better place.
PEOPLE ARE ONLY INFERIOR TO YOU BECAUSE OF YOUR INSECURITIES.
Not all womxn who channel God are evil. Not all of the hierarchy of the Church are pedophiles. Not all BIPOC are thugs. Not all Police Officers are murderers. All of the LGBTQ+ community are God’s creation.
Take away the labels. Take away the human body. We are all souls of no color, gender, race, association or affiliation. We are all of the same Universe. We are better than the way we’ve been acting and it’s time to change.
My husband, Matt and I had a conversation a few minutes ago that inspired me to write this blog. Because I think people need to see the beauty of a spouse being loved by a spouse after years of failure, pain and hurt.
He held me this morning as I started to plot the turkey cooking. He hugged me from behind. Normally, I’d say, “Stop! I’ve got so much to do!” But, I let him hold me. He kissed me on the cheek and said “I’m so grateful for you, our children and this life we have built.”
Ok his mushiness...makes me uncomfortable most of the time.
But, I stayed in his embrace, closed my eyes and soaked it in.
He continued, “Sometimes, even you need these moments and I know exactly when to give them to you even when you are saying mean things to me during that time of the month.” (Oooops...I blame hormones.)
Fuck, he’s right.
I needed to be held.
I needed to hear that I am loved.
I needed to hear him saying he knows what I need.
Because he does.
He asked, “Is it weird that I’m kind of happy we don’t have to do anything today?” To which I replied, “Nope, is it weird that I’ve never been happier in one of the craziest years on our planet? Like I can’t really find a complaint about being home and not doing anything. I’m probably in the minority that is enjoying 2020.” Matt (making a high five motion towards me) - “Oh my God, YES! Thank you for saying that! I feel so guilty saying that.”
Guilty for being happy.
Have we forgotten what it’s like to have the “American Dream?” Where home was the heart and center of everything? Have we created a world where you have to feel guilty for being happy? Has it become easier to share our losses, misery, pain and failures?
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. It’s ok to embrace and acknowledge all of that.
BUT, it’s also OK to share the wins, happiness, highs, and success.
In order to move forward, we HAVE to share the good.
Why has sadness become the norm? Guilt, misery, hurt, pain...envy...all of it.
When does this madness stop? When are we going to see this doesn’t serve us any longer?
I am not saying to shut the World and all of its problems out. But, I will say...DO NOT LET IT INTO YOUR HOME. Close the door tight. Home should be our safety. If it’s not, find a new home.
God (or whatever/whoever you believe in) has been trying to awaken us to love, faith and grace this year.
Focus on HOME. Because it starts at home.
You can toss all the bullshit excuses you want our way. Matt and I have cheated, hurt and broke each other in more ways than you can imagine. We have sinned with the best of them. We have broken all the rules. We lived together before marriage. We had a child before marriage. We broke our vows. We pushed each other away. We’ve yelled at our kids. We’ve excluded family and friends. We’ve hurt people. We did therapy. We blamed each other. We blamed others.
But, for so long, we never took responsibility for our actions.
Once we decided that we were the only ones responsible for how our lives were going, we asked for forgiveness.
We’ve given forgiveness to each other and to others.
We kept choosing each other. For better or for worse.
Why am I sharing this? Because we usually only see the highlight REEL. Whether it's just the highs or just the lows, Social Media doesn’t show you what’s REAL.
Confession doesn’t just have to happen in church. It can happen in the shower when you’re at your most vulnerable point. It can happen at the kitchen sink. It can happen in the front seat of the car.
We confess our faults to each other.
We confess our sins.
We confess our deepest fears.
We confess our LOVE.
As you sit around the table today, take a moment to soak it all in.
Ask yourself: Where have I been letting my responsibility slip away from me? How can I love those closest to me better? How can I love MYSELF better?
The only way to “fix” this world is by bettering ourselves. To steal a line from my kids’ school: “In case no-one has told you today, you are loved.” Have a great day with your family and if you're not with them, call them.
Stewardship has been a word spoken to me more in the past 3 weeks than it ever has been. When I started to think, “what does stewardship really mean?” I wasn’t sure what to write about. Is stewardship a feeling? Is it a duty? Is it something that is within you? My reflection on stewardship led me down a rabbit hole. First, I looked at what was being asked of me. Who am I to speak to people about stewardship when I don’t even know what it means to me?
So I dug a little deeper.
I started to think of stewardship as Faith. Then, I questioned, “What does Faith mean to me?” Again, I found myself struggling to answer that question. Really, what is Faith?
So I dug a little deeper.
Is stewardship a feeling? Will I know it when I feel it? Is it warm like love? Is it excitement after an achievement? I don’t think it’s a feeling.
So, I dug a little deeper.
I finally landed on purpose. What does purpose have to do with stewardship? Everything. It wasn’t until this moment that I found my answer.
Purpose is an intention. An intention is the healing process of a wound. That’s when it all clicked for me.
You see, I was born a month after my mother lost her father. She was a young mom for the second time and I was born on Father’s Day, a day in which she would not have her dad. I never put the two together. But, in some way, I know my birth made it easier for her to experience her first Father’s Day without her dad.
As I got older, lots of things happened to me. I drowned at 3 years old only to be saved by my uncle. I remember seeing a white tunnel. It is an image I still carry with me today.
When I was 8, my parents divorced and I moved to a new location. A month after that, my Godmother who was my best friend passed away. To me, that was the day my happiness ended and darkness tried to set in. But, still I kept my light.
As I approached High School, I knew I wanted to go to our local Catholic School. The second day of my freshman year, tragedy struck on 9/11. I remember thinking “Why is God allowing this?”
Then a couple months later, my 15 year old classmate and friend Joey, was a victim in a drunk driving accident that would ultimately claim his life. Again, I asked “Why is God allowing this?”
My anger and bitterness towards God started to get deeper.
Then, my Junior year of high school, I was introduced to my now husband at a memorial service for our mutual friend Joey. It was then that I saw some light. We began dating and I finally started to feel happiness again. Here was a man that was like me. We got along with everyone. We believed in God and we weren’t afraid to acknowledge Him but we just didn’t go to church, oddly enough even after we first spoke to each other in the basement of one.
As our relationship grew, we had our daughter, then got married, then had our son. We both didn’t feel right getting married in a church because we didn’t follow the normal rules. As we became parents to two beautiful children, I started to see what Faith really meant. If it wasn’t for our friend Joey’s passing, we would have never met and our children never born. To me, Faith means knowing that no matter how hard life gets, it can always get better. But, I’m not here to just talk about Faith.
We decided to Baptize both children and raise them with a Catholic upbringing even though ours at that moment wasn’t strong enough.
In 2017, I was called to attend Cursillo. At just 30 years old, I couldn’t believe I was “talked into” attending this cult like Jesus weekend. Yes, that’s how I described it to my friends. But, it was then that I started to feel God’s influence in my life again. The healing process was starting but I wasn’t aware of it.
Once our oldest reached 1st grade, I knew we had to get her into class so she could have her Communion. Little did I know that in that moment, I too was enrolled into God school. I volunteered to monitor the halls because I did not want to teach. Having her in class meant we had to go to church every Sunday.
I was about to reach my lowest point in life. One day in the shower, I heard my first message from who I now know to be from God. I was instructed to create a business. It was already on my mind for a couple years prior but, I never took the leap because I didn’t have the Faith. I didn’t fully step into the business process for about a year.
A few months later, I was grieving the loss of my grandmother, drinking alcohol heavily and working a job that I was miserable at. One day, my back completely gave out on me. I could not walk for four days and Drs could not figure out what was wrong with me. I panicked. Will I ever walk again? Will I be able to lift my children again? How are we going to support our family on one income? I remember laying in bed those four days negotiating with God. If you let me walk again, I will start that business. The next day, I was able to slowly move out of bed. I knew I couldn’t go back on my word, I’m too stubborn to do that.
So, I started that business. After about a year of basic healing, I thought I was ready to help people as a Life and Business Coach. But, God’s purpose for me was bigger than that. One night I had a dream and immediately knew we had to move, again another God moment. After finally convincing my husband last year, we bought, sold and moved into our new house in 45 days. The biggest selling point for me, next to the jacuzzi was the fact that there was a Catholic church down the road.
I remember our first experience with mass at our new church. It was warm and welcoming. They mentioned a family picnic and we decided to show up. Yes, I won the 50/50 raffle and was introduced to Anna. After about 5 minutes talking to her, I was somehow signed up to help with Faith Formation. I’m pretty sure she is gifted with the power of persuasion.
I decided to not teach the younger kids and wanted to work with the older ones especially after being asked to help with keeping them engaged...challenge accepted. Every Monday night that we had class, I showed up. There wasn’t a ton of talking at first as most of them were pre-teens so it wasn’t cool to talk. So, mostly myself and the other teachers initiated the conversations.
Once they started to get comfortable, they started to open up. It was in those moments of Stewardship, which I have concluded is defined as taking God inspired action, that I realized what was happening.
As a young child and into adulthood, I lost my relationship with God.
Through all of my ups and downs, I learned that my Faith did remain a constant.
Although at moments it was weak, there were more moments when it was stronger. But, it wasn’t just my Faith that saved me. It was the Faith my mom, aunts and grandmothers prayed over me. It was the Faith of the community I surrounded myself with in my teachers, coaches and mentors. It was the Faith my church community showered me with. It was the Stewardship of others that opened me up to God’s Amazing Grace. I’m reaching a year of true healing and sobriety by choice.
When I sat in church today listening to our Deacon’s Homily about his rebel brother, I laughed. I was him. I was the one who went against everything that was God-like but in doing so, it strengthened the Faith of those around me.
They had to pray harder and harder for me to see the Light.
I truly believe our Deacon's rebel Brother’s purpose was to make him the Steward he is today. And that’s why I define Stewardship as purpose. We all have a purpose here. Mine is with our youth and those that lost their way, speaking to them about God, praying for them, and holding space until they too can find their Light. So, I ask all of you reading this today to join me in Stewardship for our world. I’ve spent the past 2 months speaking on a Global scale about God and His Mercy but I will never forget that it starts right here in my Church.
Find your Purpose, heal yourself and you will find Stewardship.